Had A Gut Feeling... So I Looked.

There really is never a "right time" to look through your significant others' cell phone or e mail however, several of us have found ourselves with a gut feeling telling us to do so. Most of us have the hope that we won't find anything, and usually that is the case in a healthy relationship. However, there are the other half of us that end up finding something inappropriate - acknowledging our gut feeling.

At one point or another I think all of us have had the gut feeling to take a peek at our significant others' phone or e mail. For most of us it is for validation that they in fact are being faithful, but why do we need this validation? Shouldn't we just trust each other and not have to question it? I'd like to say yes, but I don't think that's how our minds work.

I think more often than not, it is women that need the validation most, whether we actually think our significant other is cheating or not really isn't the reason we do it. At some point in the relationship we just naturally question EVERYTHING... and looking through our man's phone or e mail isn't something we plan, it just sort of happens. Those of us in a healthy, open, honest relationship won't find anything.. and will then never have the need to look through our man's stuff. However, it's those of us that actually find something we weren't expecting, that have a whole new can of worms to deal with.

I think men question things too and may be inclined to look through their ladies' phone or e mail, but I don't think it happens as often as it does with women.

From personal experience I know that if you do find something inappropriate it is very hard to gain that trust back on both ends of the relationship.

I thought I was in a very healthy and honest relationship. I had worked really hard to learn to trust someone again, I was happy, in love, and thought I could marry this man. However, 8 months into the relationship I found out that sexual pictures and conversations were taking place behind my back with other women. My ex had left his e mail up and logged in on the computer. When I went to log in to my account, I noticed an e mail in his that was from an ex of his and had very strong sexual language in the title. I opened it up and it was a very sexual picture of her. I then noticed conversation between the two of them that was highly inappropriate for someone to be doing when in a committed relationship.

I confronted my ex on the matter and we discussed it in length. He promised me that it would end and I would not have to worry about it again.. that he loved me and wanted to be with me and no one else.

After this incident.. I was always paranoid about what he might be doing behind my back. I found myself checking his e mail and cell phone regularly . I did not find anything for a couple months, however because I was lied to I don't think I was ever truly able to trust him again. For the remainder of our relationship I would check his stuff every now and then. A few months after the original incident I started to notice other inappropriate conversations in his cell phone. We again discussed everything in length and I stayed with him.. why? I have no idea.. possibly because I felt I had invested so much into the relationship that I didn't want to give up on it now.. or thought that just maybe he did love me enough to stop betraying me behind my back.

I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned that I do not want to be that paranoid person. It is a sickness to constantly mistrust your partner. I know that I deserve someone who wouldn't do those things in the first place, hence making there no need to check up on them all of the time. I stayed with my ex far longer than I should have. One incident should have been enough to make me walk away. But everyone handles situations differently.. and all you can do is learn from your mistakes.

Is it right to do this? No, but it happens. Men and women both do it.. we aren't perfect and we get to a place in our relationships where we have doubt and need confirmation that it's going to last. And hate to say it, but most of the time your GUT feeling leads you in the right direction.. following it is not always bad.

In my opinion... if your significant other isn't doing anything behind your back, they should not be very upset about you going through their stuff, that said, there should be a level of respect for each other's privacy. If you go through their phone or e mail and don't find anything inappropriate then there should be no reason for you to do so again in the future; unless they allow you to with their permission. If you in fact find something inappropriate, at that point it is up to you to discuss it with your significant other and decide whether you can stay with them and learn to trust them again or not.

This is a touchy subject that everyone handles differently, however I think all of us have done it (or will). I have talked to several friends about this topic and even the couples who are the most open, honest, happiest, and in love have found themselves at one point or another checking their significant other's phone or e mail. Is it sad that we feel the need to do this for validation? Yes. But I think it is something that we just naturally do. Everyone has doubt, whether there is something that caused it or not.

In the end I feel as though if you cannot fully commit yourself to one person, you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. If you ever have to question whether something you are doing in your personal conversations with others would be inappropriate or upset your significant other, you probably shouldn't be doing those things in the first place.

A friend once told me "If it's not something that can be done or said in front of your significant other.. then you shouldn't be doing it" - I think that's a good rule of thumb to follow.

Relationships are supposed to be about trust... honesty... respect... love... not deceit and lies. Being faithful is a great quality in a person and if you've found that in someone you are blessed.

The One Who Got Away...

So, more often then not.. I always tend to be "the one that got away"... or the one that the guy realizes, after he's lost me, that he actually wants me back. There have been a few times where I've given the guy another chance, but recently feel like I shouldn't waste my time on someone who can't see what a great catch I am when they have me.  

I understand that sometimes it takes one leaving for the person to realize what they really had.. but honestly.. if it gets to that point it might just be too late.  I am fed up with boys that cannot see what they have until they have lost it.  If you really like someone, enjoy their company, and see a potential future why would you push them away? And why would you let them walk out of your life so easily? 

I know that some relationships just weren't meant to be and that it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not a great catch.. just means that I wasn't right for that person. However, time and time again I have guys wanting me back after they've had plenty of opportunities to prove to me why I should stay with them. At some point you have just had enough.. and no matter how much you may have liked that person it's just not worth giving them another chance.. and moving on is sometimes hard, but I would like to think that it's for the best.

I'm sure there may be many more times where I will be "the one that got away" but I look forward to the ONE time that I'm the one they know they never want to lose.

Feeling Used....

I wrote this poem a long time ago... however it is circling back to me at this time in my life.  I don't understand men sometimes.. and I feel incredibly used by several of them over the last few months..I am sick of liars.. I am sick of games.. I am sick of dishonesty.. and I'm sick of being a conquest... I am not a conquest.. I am the grand prize and deserve to find someone that will treat me as such.

So I feel it fitting to post this poem on my blog:

USED

Why do you use me

It just isn't fair

You're off kissing girls

whenever I'm not there

You think it's a game

and have all the fun

but I'm the one trapped

when I should be on the run

You never call me anymore

you used to every day

what am I supposed to think

when it goes on day after day

I try to ignore it

and hide all my pain

but you wouldn't care anyway

It's just part of your game

I thought you cared

but I guess I was wrong

I thought I could deal with it

But I'm just not that strong

I'm sick of hearing

How much you like me

when it doesn't mean a thing

because I'm just another girl

you have waiting in the wing

I wish you'd just confess

but it's obviously not your style

how do you ever expect

to be walking down that isle

Us girls aren't stupid you know

we eventually figure it out

it just takes a while

to see what you're about

I'm sick of the games

I'm sick of this pain

if I let it go any longer

it may drive me insane

Even though you used me

and I fell right into the trap

I can't seem to let you go

My heart says I still want you

while my head just says confused

I hate knowing that I have been used

I wish I could just forget

about the thing we had

but I know if I did

I'd just feel so bad

I want so much for you to say

that you've learned from this

and to change your ways

But deep down I know

that this will never be

because it's only obvious

we weren't meant to be

So now it's time for me to say

that this game is over

no matter how

you try to explain

all of your fun

will never be and isn't worth this pain

Michelle Howell 2001

So You Say You're "Jaded"...

By definition Jaded means to be: Cynical (see below) or Fatigued (worn out)

Cynical:
1. like or characteristic of a cynic; distrusting or disparaging the motives of others.
2. showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty or morality by one's actions, esp. by actions that exploit the scruples of others.
3. bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.

I put this on here because I think it is the easiest way to see what being "Jaded" really means. Yes, I understand that "jaded" probably has a different meaning to everyone, however ultimately these are the driving forces causing us to act/feel jaded. (specifically in regards to dating)

Now, I will be the first to say that I have been guilty of this... however.. I do my best to not let it affect my dating life now.  Here's why...

It is not fair to go on a date automatically cutting the guy/girl down by distrust, bitterness, and actions that ex boyfriends or people in your past have caused.  This new person did not do those things to you.. so why should they automatically be judged? Why should they automatically "lose points" because you feel as though you are currently "jaded"? If you go into the date with these feelings you are not giving the other person a chance from the get go.. so why are you even on the date?

If a person continues to act jaded.. their dating life is going to seem to always suck, and they are constantly going to be disappointed because they have already set a standard for the people they are dating. I understand that what happens to you in your past relationships affects your current ones, however.. it shouldn't be worn on your sleeve.. and being "jaded" is not something you should say to someone you're on a date with- it's a HUGE turn off.  Who wants to date someone that admits they are jaded?  

If you can't go into a dating situation with optimism, then it would seem as though you are wasting your and the other persons' time.  If you aren't willing to put your past behind you.. learn from it.. and move on- then you shouldn't start dating again until you are able to. If you can't give a new potential man/woman the full attention, time, and trust it takes to date then you shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

As I said, I'm as guilty as any of being jaded in my past... you get to the point where you want to give up on dating because "they are all the same" "all the nice ones are taken" "people can't be trusted" "they just want a piece of ass" etc. However, I've also come to realize that I cannot go on living my life this way if I -at some point-  intend to find the man I want to marry and grow old with. I also know that I cannot be content with thinking that all men are this way, if there is no optimism I will never find a guy because I will always be tearing him down from the beginning.. this is NOT healthy.

I also know that the way I have been treated in the past.. is not acceptable.. knowing that, I know now what I deserve.. so why waste emotions on being jaded, when you can just grow from everything in your past and look forward to those you meet in your future?

Give everyone a clean slate and honest chance. It is the only way you open the door to finding someone that is going to make you happy. So to those of you that say you are jaded.. or are told that you are jaded.. it is something that you personally control.. if you choose to be jaded then you will find dating miserable.. if you choose to be optimistic and open your heart (even though you've been hurt in the past) you will eventually see that all men/women are NOT the same.. and that there are people out there capable of treating you well.

I understand that we all have our "check list" but don't go into every date thinking he/she is just like the rest - open your chances by opening your heart. Everyone doesn't have bad motives when it comes to dating.. get rid of the assumptions you've set by being "jaded." Dating is supposed to be fun...

Why I write this blog.... some clarification

Let me start off by saying I am not a man hater... it may appear as such from first glance.. however, that is not why I write this blog.  I write this blog because.. frankly.. I can't believe that men think it's okay to treat women the way that I personally have experienced.  I do not write about my experiences until they are over, or I know I will not see that person again.

I am not the type to air my relationships while I'm in them- that is private and should not be broadcast to the world.. however.. when the relationship or date etc.. is no longer, I may choose to write about it.. keeping all people confidential. 

My hope is that as people read my blog... at some point or another they will relate.. and maybe.. just maybe.. I will prevent other women from going through the same mistakes I have been through.. and help some men realize how women deserve to be treated.

This is by no means a place for me to bitch or bash on anyone... It is real life experiences and advice.. and I have every right to write about them... same as all my readers have every right to comment and speak their mind in regard to what I write. If you have a problem with it.. then don't read it.. it's that simple.

Just like everyone else.. I am a single adult looking for that special someone.. ya I've been through some crazy shit.. but I have not given up.. I still have faith in relationships.. in love...and I know I will find it some day. Until then I hope you will continue to read about my crazy adventures.

Summer Lover.. (or lack there of)

It has taken me a while to write about this one (we met in June).. well, quite honestly, because I was stupid enough to think someone would prove me (and my friends) wrong and held onto something that wasn't even there in the first place.

For the first time since my ex (we broke up Dec. 2009), I found myself genuinely liking (falling for) a guy.  He was extremely handsome, dressed well, funny/Witty, charming, we had a lot in common... my friends all liked him and obviously so did I.

We spent some time together around 4th of July and things went great. We enjoyed watching fireworks together, going to a baseball game, etc.  There was one thing though during this weekend that really annoyed me. The fact that he was on his phone during our date (see "Phone Etiquette" post). Honestly... I should have taken that as a huge red flag from the beginning but I let my "butterfly" feelings get the best of me.. and gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't read into it too much.

So after this great weekend.. finding time to spend w/ this guy was easy for me.. that's what you do when you like someone.. right? However, it was a VERY complicated task for him. I do have to say.. he does have some obligations that I would never make him feel bad about not having time.. his job.. and his son. That aside.. even when those were not obstacles.. it was ALWAYS something.. some reason why he couldn't hang out. He would text me pretty regularly.. however always go M.I.A mid conversation and have some excuse as to why.  Frankly I got tired of this really quickly...

We saw each other after almost a month.. hung out and had a good time.. and then.. the pattern repeated itself.. he had no time! It was always "I will try harder" "I'm sorry I'm messing up" "It won't happen again"... the same thing over and over as to why he couldn't see me. Yet.. it never changed.. he never tried harder.. and it did happen again...

**THIS is one of my biggest dating pet peeves! If you like someone.. you make time for them - PERIOD! I don't care what you have going on in your life.. if that person is important to you.. and you want to continue to see them.. you will make sure to include them in your plans. Right?

Yet, I STILL kept giving him a chance.. why? Hell if I know.. I tell myself time and time again that I will not put up with this from a man.. that I deserve better.. that I deserve someone who makes time for me.. that I don't deserve to go through this pattern of excuse after excuse.

Another month goes by and I'm still allowing myself to be strung along.. and then the confusion just begins again when he invites me to his birthday celebration at the club. I asked him if it meant I would be his date.. his response "I just want to go to the bar and have fun with my friends" So I said.. okay I get that.. but if I show up and kiss you or something is it going to cause drama.. he said "no." So naturally since this is the first guy I genuinely fell for since my ex.. I go.. ignoring all the signs that happened over the last few months.. and show up to his birthday celebration.. Where he continues to introduce me as "his girl" (yet, I thought I wasn't even his date)- hence you see why the confusion began again? We have a great night celebrating, drinking, dancing etc... we see each other twice over the next several weeks.. but it was me coming up to his place late at night to sleep- and yes.. we just slept.. (although he tried for more- both times) - this making me feel like all he wanted at this point was the sex...

Sigh.. This is where I learn my lesson to hold out on the goods. (although the sex was AMAZING)  I let my emotions get the best of me and fell for this guy too quickly.. very quickly... and he got what he wanted early on.. so what need was there for more than that from me going forward.. was I just his booty call? Shit...I don't know if I was or not.. but that's how it started to make me feel..

Why did I allow myself to go down this stupid path yet again.. time and time I KNOW that I shouldn't put up with that bullshit.. yet I fell right into the trap!

The door closed when he didnt' make it to any of my birthday celebration in October. The first weekend he had his son (but not overnight).. and could have attended. The second weekend.. well let's just say he made the choice not to show up.. and he made the choice to not have me a part of his plans that weekend either. I'M DONE! (There is a lot more detail I could include regarding this.. examples of things he chose to go to under the same circumstances etc.. but I'm not going to get into it because I feel that it would personalize this blog post too much) Just know that at this point I was sick of him making excuses to me.. but making time for other things/people.

Sad that it took me this long to move on.. I obviously know better than to be strung along by someone like this.. but WHY in the hell did I still allow it? Why is it that we KNOW not to allow ourselves to go through this and be treated this way.. yet we still put up with it?  Am I going to be strong enough to kibosh this bullshit in the future before it strings me along this far? God.. I hope so... Because this nonsense of getting let down time and time again by someone you like is a vicious cycle that I don't want to keep going through.

I know that this person will probably read this.. and that is fine.. I do want everyone to know that I think deep down - he is a good guy.. I just think he's at a very confusing place in his life and wants to pick cherries from too many trees.. and unfortunately I met him during this time. When he decides he wants to find a steady woman in his life again.. I'm sure he will make that girl very happy. But, he has let something amazing slip through his fingers...

Don't be a "Creepers" Conquest...

Time and time again ladies find themselves fending off a "creeper." Well.. What exactly IS a creeper? I think it's slightly different for everyone.. but it all comes down to one simple thing: Someone who makes us feel so incredibly uncomfortable and awkward that we freeze up and don't know how to handle the situation that is taking place. Whether they approach us, or it is from a distance,.. it doesn't change the fact that we are extremely uncomfortable!

There are some guys that are just simply socially awkward.. but that doesn't make them a "creeper" - they just aren't as skilled in social situations as the rest of us.  These guys typically approach women and get the "oh that's so nice of you... (and then the girl walks away)" reaction.. but are not labeled a "creeper." These type are the ones that girls feel bad for.. there is a difference; this type of guy doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.. he's just simple not your type.

Now the creeper on the other hand.. makes your skin crawl; whether they approach you or not.  He could be that guy in the gym that's always watching you work out, but never talks to you... the guy at the bar that watches you all night and never approaches you.. or he does and tries to be "rico suave" and you want to vomit. He could be the guy in the grocery store that follows you around the isles and tries to strike up conversation because you are buying the same item, or the guy that somehow gets your number and will NEVER leave you alone.. even if you continue to ignore him, block him etc..  he still finds a way to contact you... THAT is a creeper!

Now.. to the tricky part... can you avoid the "creeper"??... sadly I don't think you can. They are everywhere.. and unfortunately always will be.  There are just some people that DON'T GET IT! You are the CREEPERS CONQUEST and until he approaches you and gets shot down.. he won't leave you alone. (and why is it that the "creepers" always seem to have the most confidence in approaching women?)

If you find yourself in a situation with a creeper.. my best advice is to let them know they are making you uncomfortable.  I think too often women are afraid to approach the "creeper"- therefor leaving this poor guy with the notion that what he is doing is OK or NORMAL.  If no one tells them what they are doing is wrong.. how are they going to learn? Letting a creeper know that they are making you uncomfortable will usually result in them backing off.. and hopefully make them re-think their actions.  Believe it or not.. I honestly don't think MOST of these men know their actions are giving off the "creeper" vibe.. so in order to have less creepers around us.. we need to SPEAK UP. 

If actually approached by a creeper, the best advice I have is to quickly let them know that you aren't interested and if they persist use the tactic mentioned above. Letting a guy know you aren't interested or that they make you uncomfortable is an ego killer.. most will walk away and feel embarrassed (sad yes..) however, no need to waste either person's time by pretending to be nice. If they continue to persist ALWAYS have a fake name and phone# memorized... give it to them and walk away. -Never give out your real contact information to someone that weirds you out enough to get labeled a "creeper" - he doesn't deserve to know your real info.

I really think it comes down to us ladies speaking up and being blunt. These guys aren't going to comprehend that what they are doing is giving off the "creeper" vibe unless we tell them so. Will it bruise their ego? YES! - But if it saves another girl from having to go through it.. then we have accomplished something.

It obviously isn't something we can control- Creepers will always exist. But it is something we can try to prevent.. help the guy out.. SPEAK UP, and move on. 

Please comment if you'd like more advice on this subject. I will do my best to assess your specific situation and give you advice on how to handle it.