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My Little Observations - January 2011

1. New Years Eve wouldn't be the same without some drama
2. Sometimes you just can't cheer some people up
3. I will not bend over backwards to make some people happy, especially when they wouldn't do the same
4. Going back to work after a week off for the holidays kind of blows
5. Still addicted to Twitter
6. Working at a bar/club is highly entertaining #peoplewatching
7. Celebrities who don't tip well piss me off
8. Mid-day naps are phenomenal
9. Snowboarding rocks my world and hurts my buttocks
10. Life is better when it's busy; especially work  
11. It's the smallest compliments that mean the world to people
12. Sometimes the morning just doesn't go your way, but it's up to you to change the direction of the rest of the day
13. I think it's silly when others call people out for things that they also do themselves 
14. Sometimes when you need reassurance the most... it is not given by the people you'd hope 
15. Kids are such simple creatures... when did life become so complicated for the rest of us?
16. Lazy Sundays are good no matter where you are
17. Bonding with my niece is an experience I will continually cherish 
18. Every Monday should be a holiday (no work day)
19. I do not understand how people live their lives in a constant lie.. I would think keeping up with all of that nonsense would be quite the full time job
20. I think Love is one of the most complicated emotions/feelings we experience
21. A year ago today I lost a very important man in my life.. My Grandpa Ron. He helped me understand my true value and to never settle for anything less than I deserve. I miss him dearly, but I know he's being a great angel to our family (and probably fishing and drinking beer) :) Make sure the people you love know it, don't take any time for granted.. Life can be cut short at any moment. 
22. Some good advice was given at a seminar I was at by a winner of Fashion Runway... He said "Every day you should look at yourself in a mirror before you walk out the door, and ask yourself if you look and feel good in what you are wearing, if you don't turn around and change" - I wish more people would practice this! I wonder sometimes if certain people even own a mirror! (he also said that Crocs are the worst fashion trend and NO one should wear them - I completely agree!)
23. I am appalled at the fashion items coming out for spring - old grandma floral prints (they look like something you'd use as a hot pad.) Fake animal prints/patters (they just look awful and most people CAN'T pull them off.) And dresses that look like something a stripper or hooker would wear (and I'm not just saying that because they are short, I say that because of the material.)
24. Just finished reading 'He's Just Not That Into You' - Watch out! LOL (this will result in some topics for future blog posts)
25. Don't understand why people are so flaky... you can either go or you can't.. and when you pick stick to it.  It's quite a simple concept. 
26. My Horoscope today made my day: "You've never looked better, Libra. As a result, people are drawn to you and you have an unusually large circle of friends. This is fun but time consuming, as everyone seems to want a piece of you. Try to keep your feet on the ground. Don't let your vision become clouded by all the flattery you receive."
27. LOVING the book I'm reading right now- BIG changes ahead for the life of Miz Red :)
28. I wouldn't trade time with friends and family for anything
29. Be careful with your actions... they usually speak louder than your words.
30. Those who cannot take responsibility for their own actions and have to make someone else look bad in the process are pathetic. 
31. Water is extremely intoxicating.. it's all in your head. One month no booze.. even I didn't think I would make it .... here's to a the long haul!

A little close to home..

I was reading articles on one of my favorite websites www.thefrisky.com and came across an article that hit me far too close to home. I read it and couldn't help feeling like it was out of the twilight zone and something I had personally written over a year ago while with my ex.

Here is what the person wrote in to the advice column:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. Initially, he was the pursuer, but as time passed I fell completely in love. We were stable, playful, and even got a dog together. Starting in October, though, he started being shady: [at] bars all the time, getting too drunk to drive home and staying at his friend’s house (who happened to live with a girl who was a previous hook-up of his), lying about who he was with and just being sneaky in general. I panicked and clung harder than ever, became suspicious and snooped and only made myself feel worse. And then we moved past it and were happy again. Then, last Sunday, he said we “needed to talk.” I feared the worst: cheating? Breakup? Nope. He has been seriously preoccupied with my eight pound weight gain. He says his preoccupation is the reason for his distance, and that he’d hate for us to have to plan our lives around my weight gain. (You know, since being 5’6, 165 lbs seriously inhibits my lifestyle.) I don’t feel like it’s unreasonable for him to say something about maybe working out more, but blaming our relationship issues on my weight gain? Since he told me, he has been affectionate and loving again; he says he just needed to get it off his chest and now everything will be fine. But I’m pissed. Is it worth it for me to put up with his shallowness? I don’t think it’s okay to blame everything on eight pounds. Am I overreacting? Or should I MOA?— 165 and Ready to run

Here is the response:

You asked if it’s “worth it to put up with his shallowness,” but it isn’t just shallowness you’re putting up with, is it? You’re also putting up with his shady behavior, insensitivity, lack of open communication, and an unstable relationship. Is it worth it? I certainly wouldn’t think so. What in the world could you possibly be getting out of the relationship that would make all that crap worth it? If I had to make a guess, I’d say your boyfriend is up to something he knows you wouldn’t approve of, feels guilty about it, and has created this “preoccupation” with your practically non-existent weight gain to shift the blame and alleviate some of his guilt. Rather than take responsibility for whatever it is he feels guilty for, he creates a “problem” — all yours, of course — for you to focus on and then relaxes a bit while the heat is temporarily off him. This is so not about eight pounds. This is about your boyfriend’s inability to communicate what’s really going on with him and your relationship. If you can’t get it out of him, MOA. Even if you can get it out of him, you should probably still MOA and find someone who isn’t so shady and manipulative.

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After reading this it made me realize how much happier I am without my ex. No woman should ever feel that way or have to go through that kind of emotional damage caused by the person they love the most. And although the person giving the advice  doesn't know the situation first hand (or maybe she does), I feel as though her advice couldn't be more accurate. Especially regarding what I had gone through. Your significant other should love you NO MATTER WHAT! If you gain some weight and they are not okay with it they should find ways of letting you know subtly and in a non hurtful manner. I feel as though my ex definitely put all the blame on me at the time to take away from actions he felt guilty about. 

The funny part is.. Now that we aren't together he ALWAYS makes it a point to tell me how good I look... why is this funny? Because I weigh the exact same as I did when we were together. Amazing how that works..... 

Recent Date Side Notes....

Haven't written about some recent dates in while but I have been on some. Here are some key take-away Do's and Don'ts:  (not all particularly on the same date)

Here are the Do's:

• Show that you are good at something -   me losing is better than you letting me win. Why? I would much rather have someone be themselves and show they are GOOD at something, then pretend they suck just to make me feel better. 
• Wine and Dine me at a classy restaurant. We are talking Market Street Oyster bar or better here.. Classy does NOT mean Chili's, Applebees, etc.
• Dress nice from head to toe... girls notice everything and yes we judge you by it.. make a good impression.
• Be funny.

Here are the Don'ts:

• Don't brag. I honestly don't really care if you are best friends with Kyle Korver (some girls might, but it doesn't do anything for me) Other people do not make you who you are... I want to get to know you; not the superstar persona of you.
• I don't want to hear about your ex.
• Don't tell me you like me; if you don't.
• "We'll be in touch..." Should not be said.. it automatically means we won't be. 
• Asking me out at last minute is pointless - I've most likely already got plans
• Don't be "Mr. Indecisive" - You asked me out on the date, don't look to me for all of the decisions. If you couldn't plan it all;  you better be quick on your feet and make it up as you go along. The whole "I don't care" game gets old FAST.

Had A Gut Feeling... So I Looked.

There really is never a "right time" to look through your significant others' cell phone or e mail however, several of us have found ourselves with a gut feeling telling us to do so. Most of us have the hope that we won't find anything, and usually that is the case in a healthy relationship. However, there are the other half of us that end up finding something inappropriate - acknowledging our gut feeling.

At one point or another I think all of us have had the gut feeling to take a peek at our significant others' phone or e mail. For most of us it is for validation that they in fact are being faithful, but why do we need this validation? Shouldn't we just trust each other and not have to question it? I'd like to say yes, but I don't think that's how our minds work.

I think more often than not, it is women that need the validation most, whether we actually think our significant other is cheating or not really isn't the reason we do it. At some point in the relationship we just naturally question EVERYTHING... and looking through our man's phone or e mail isn't something we plan, it just sort of happens. Those of us in a healthy, open, honest relationship won't find anything.. and will then never have the need to look through our man's stuff. However, it's those of us that actually find something we weren't expecting, that have a whole new can of worms to deal with.

I think men question things too and may be inclined to look through their ladies' phone or e mail, but I don't think it happens as often as it does with women.

From personal experience I know that if you do find something inappropriate it is very hard to gain that trust back on both ends of the relationship.

I thought I was in a very healthy and honest relationship. I had worked really hard to learn to trust someone again, I was happy, in love, and thought I could marry this man. However, 8 months into the relationship I found out that sexual pictures and conversations were taking place behind my back with other women. My ex had left his e mail up and logged in on the computer. When I went to log in to my account, I noticed an e mail in his that was from an ex of his and had very strong sexual language in the title. I opened it up and it was a very sexual picture of her. I then noticed conversation between the two of them that was highly inappropriate for someone to be doing when in a committed relationship.

I confronted my ex on the matter and we discussed it in length. He promised me that it would end and I would not have to worry about it again.. that he loved me and wanted to be with me and no one else.

After this incident.. I was always paranoid about what he might be doing behind my back. I found myself checking his e mail and cell phone regularly . I did not find anything for a couple months, however because I was lied to I don't think I was ever truly able to trust him again. For the remainder of our relationship I would check his stuff every now and then. A few months after the original incident I started to notice other inappropriate conversations in his cell phone. We again discussed everything in length and I stayed with him.. why? I have no idea.. possibly because I felt I had invested so much into the relationship that I didn't want to give up on it now.. or thought that just maybe he did love me enough to stop betraying me behind my back.

I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned that I do not want to be that paranoid person. It is a sickness to constantly mistrust your partner. I know that I deserve someone who wouldn't do those things in the first place, hence making there no need to check up on them all of the time. I stayed with my ex far longer than I should have. One incident should have been enough to make me walk away. But everyone handles situations differently.. and all you can do is learn from your mistakes.

Is it right to do this? No, but it happens. Men and women both do it.. we aren't perfect and we get to a place in our relationships where we have doubt and need confirmation that it's going to last. And hate to say it, but most of the time your GUT feeling leads you in the right direction.. following it is not always bad.

In my opinion... if your significant other isn't doing anything behind your back, they should not be very upset about you going through their stuff, that said, there should be a level of respect for each other's privacy. If you go through their phone or e mail and don't find anything inappropriate then there should be no reason for you to do so again in the future; unless they allow you to with their permission. If you in fact find something inappropriate, at that point it is up to you to discuss it with your significant other and decide whether you can stay with them and learn to trust them again or not.

This is a touchy subject that everyone handles differently, however I think all of us have done it (or will). I have talked to several friends about this topic and even the couples who are the most open, honest, happiest, and in love have found themselves at one point or another checking their significant other's phone or e mail. Is it sad that we feel the need to do this for validation? Yes. But I think it is something that we just naturally do. Everyone has doubt, whether there is something that caused it or not.

In the end I feel as though if you cannot fully commit yourself to one person, you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. If you ever have to question whether something you are doing in your personal conversations with others would be inappropriate or upset your significant other, you probably shouldn't be doing those things in the first place.

A friend once told me "If it's not something that can be done or said in front of your significant other.. then you shouldn't be doing it" - I think that's a good rule of thumb to follow.

Relationships are supposed to be about trust... honesty... respect... love... not deceit and lies. Being faithful is a great quality in a person and if you've found that in someone you are blessed.

The One Who Got Away...

So, more often then not.. I always tend to be "the one that got away"... or the one that the guy realizes, after he's lost me, that he actually wants me back. There have been a few times where I've given the guy another chance, but recently feel like I shouldn't waste my time on someone who can't see what a great catch I am when they have me.  

I understand that sometimes it takes one leaving for the person to realize what they really had.. but honestly.. if it gets to that point it might just be too late.  I am fed up with boys that cannot see what they have until they have lost it.  If you really like someone, enjoy their company, and see a potential future why would you push them away? And why would you let them walk out of your life so easily? 

I know that some relationships just weren't meant to be and that it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not a great catch.. just means that I wasn't right for that person. However, time and time again I have guys wanting me back after they've had plenty of opportunities to prove to me why I should stay with them. At some point you have just had enough.. and no matter how much you may have liked that person it's just not worth giving them another chance.. and moving on is sometimes hard, but I would like to think that it's for the best.

I'm sure there may be many more times where I will be "the one that got away" but I look forward to the ONE time that I'm the one they know they never want to lose.

Feeling Used....

I wrote this poem a long time ago... however it is circling back to me at this time in my life.  I don't understand men sometimes.. and I feel incredibly used by several of them over the last few months..I am sick of liars.. I am sick of games.. I am sick of dishonesty.. and I'm sick of being a conquest... I am not a conquest.. I am the grand prize and deserve to find someone that will treat me as such.

So I feel it fitting to post this poem on my blog:

USED

Why do you use me

It just isn't fair

You're off kissing girls

whenever I'm not there

You think it's a game

and have all the fun

but I'm the one trapped

when I should be on the run

You never call me anymore

you used to every day

what am I supposed to think

when it goes on day after day

I try to ignore it

and hide all my pain

but you wouldn't care anyway

It's just part of your game

I thought you cared

but I guess I was wrong

I thought I could deal with it

But I'm just not that strong

I'm sick of hearing

How much you like me

when it doesn't mean a thing

because I'm just another girl

you have waiting in the wing

I wish you'd just confess

but it's obviously not your style

how do you ever expect

to be walking down that isle

Us girls aren't stupid you know

we eventually figure it out

it just takes a while

to see what you're about

I'm sick of the games

I'm sick of this pain

if I let it go any longer

it may drive me insane

Even though you used me

and I fell right into the trap

I can't seem to let you go

My heart says I still want you

while my head just says confused

I hate knowing that I have been used

I wish I could just forget

about the thing we had

but I know if I did

I'd just feel so bad

I want so much for you to say

that you've learned from this

and to change your ways

But deep down I know

that this will never be

because it's only obvious

we weren't meant to be

So now it's time for me to say

that this game is over

no matter how

you try to explain

all of your fun

will never be and isn't worth this pain

Michelle Howell 2001