There really is never a "right time" to look through your significant others' cell phone or e mail however, several of us have found ourselves with a gut feeling telling us to do so. Most of us have the hope that we won't find anything, and usually that is the case in a healthy relationship. However, there are the other half of us that end up finding something inappropriate - acknowledging our gut feeling.
At one point or another I think all of us have had the gut feeling to take a peek at our significant others' phone or e mail. For most of us it is for validation that they in fact are being faithful, but why do we need this validation? Shouldn't we just trust each other and not have to question it? I'd like to say yes, but I don't think that's how our minds work.
I think more often than not, it is women that need the validation most, whether we actually think our significant other is cheating or not really isn't the reason we do it. At some point in the relationship we just naturally question EVERYTHING... and looking through our man's phone or e mail isn't something we plan, it just sort of happens. Those of us in a healthy, open, honest relationship won't find anything.. and will then never have the need to look through our man's stuff. However, it's those of us that actually find something we weren't expecting, that have a whole new can of worms to deal with.
I think men question things too and may be inclined to look through their ladies' phone or e mail, but I don't think it happens as often as it does with women.
From personal experience I know that if you do find something inappropriate it is very hard to gain that trust back on both ends of the relationship.
I thought I was in a very healthy and honest relationship. I had worked really hard to learn to trust someone again, I was happy, in love, and thought I could marry this man. However, 8 months into the relationship I found out that sexual pictures and conversations were taking place behind my back with other women. My ex had left his e mail up and logged in on the computer. When I went to log in to my account, I noticed an e mail in his that was from an ex of his and had very strong sexual language in the title. I opened it up and it was a very sexual picture of her. I then noticed conversation between the two of them that was highly inappropriate for someone to be doing when in a committed relationship.
I confronted my ex on the matter and we discussed it in length. He promised me that it would end and I would not have to worry about it again.. that he loved me and wanted to be with me and no one else.
After this incident.. I was always paranoid about what he might be doing behind my back. I found myself checking his e mail and cell phone regularly . I did not find anything for a couple months, however because I was lied to I don't think I was ever truly able to trust him again. For the remainder of our relationship I would check his stuff every now and then. A few months after the original incident I started to notice other inappropriate conversations in his cell phone. We again discussed everything in length and I stayed with him.. why? I have no idea.. possibly because I felt I had invested so much into the relationship that I didn't want to give up on it now.. or thought that just maybe he did love me enough to stop betraying me behind my back.
I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned that I do not want to be that paranoid person. It is a sickness to constantly mistrust your partner. I know that I deserve someone who wouldn't do those things in the first place, hence making there no need to check up on them all of the time. I stayed with my ex far longer than I should have. One incident should have been enough to make me walk away. But everyone handles situations differently.. and all you can do is learn from your mistakes.
Is it right to do this? No, but it happens. Men and women both do it.. we aren't perfect and we get to a place in our relationships where we have doubt and need confirmation that it's going to last. And hate to say it, but most of the time your GUT feeling leads you in the right direction.. following it is not always bad.
In my opinion... if your significant other isn't doing anything behind your back, they should not be very upset about you going through their stuff, that said, there should be a level of respect for each other's privacy. If you go through their phone or e mail and don't find anything inappropriate then there should be no reason for you to do so again in the future; unless they allow you to with their permission. If you in fact find something inappropriate, at that point it is up to you to discuss it with your significant other and decide whether you can stay with them and learn to trust them again or not.
This is a touchy subject that everyone handles differently, however I think all of us have done it (or will). I have talked to several friends about this topic and even the couples who are the most open, honest, happiest, and in love have found themselves at one point or another checking their significant other's phone or e mail. Is it sad that we feel the need to do this for validation? Yes. But I think it is something that we just naturally do. Everyone has doubt, whether there is something that caused it or not.
In the end I feel as though if you cannot fully commit yourself to one person, you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. If you ever have to question whether something you are doing in your personal conversations with others would be inappropriate or upset your significant other, you probably shouldn't be doing those things in the first place.
A friend once told me "If it's not something that can be done or said in front of your significant other.. then you shouldn't be doing it" - I think that's a good rule of thumb to follow.
Relationships are supposed to be about trust... honesty... respect... love... not deceit and lies. Being faithful is a great quality in a person and if you've found that in someone you are blessed.
