Recent Date Side Notes....

Haven't written about some recent dates in while but I have been on some. Here are some key take-away Do's and Don'ts:  (not all particularly on the same date)

Here are the Do's:

• Show that you are good at something -   me losing is better than you letting me win. Why? I would much rather have someone be themselves and show they are GOOD at something, then pretend they suck just to make me feel better. 
• Wine and Dine me at a classy restaurant. We are talking Market Street Oyster bar or better here.. Classy does NOT mean Chili's, Applebees, etc.
• Dress nice from head to toe... girls notice everything and yes we judge you by it.. make a good impression.
• Be funny.

Here are the Don'ts:

• Don't brag. I honestly don't really care if you are best friends with Kyle Korver (some girls might, but it doesn't do anything for me) Other people do not make you who you are... I want to get to know you; not the superstar persona of you.
• I don't want to hear about your ex.
• Don't tell me you like me; if you don't.
• "We'll be in touch..." Should not be said.. it automatically means we won't be. 
• Asking me out at last minute is pointless - I've most likely already got plans
• Don't be "Mr. Indecisive" - You asked me out on the date, don't look to me for all of the decisions. If you couldn't plan it all;  you better be quick on your feet and make it up as you go along. The whole "I don't care" game gets old FAST.

Had A Gut Feeling... So I Looked.

There really is never a "right time" to look through your significant others' cell phone or e mail however, several of us have found ourselves with a gut feeling telling us to do so. Most of us have the hope that we won't find anything, and usually that is the case in a healthy relationship. However, there are the other half of us that end up finding something inappropriate - acknowledging our gut feeling.

At one point or another I think all of us have had the gut feeling to take a peek at our significant others' phone or e mail. For most of us it is for validation that they in fact are being faithful, but why do we need this validation? Shouldn't we just trust each other and not have to question it? I'd like to say yes, but I don't think that's how our minds work.

I think more often than not, it is women that need the validation most, whether we actually think our significant other is cheating or not really isn't the reason we do it. At some point in the relationship we just naturally question EVERYTHING... and looking through our man's phone or e mail isn't something we plan, it just sort of happens. Those of us in a healthy, open, honest relationship won't find anything.. and will then never have the need to look through our man's stuff. However, it's those of us that actually find something we weren't expecting, that have a whole new can of worms to deal with.

I think men question things too and may be inclined to look through their ladies' phone or e mail, but I don't think it happens as often as it does with women.

From personal experience I know that if you do find something inappropriate it is very hard to gain that trust back on both ends of the relationship.

I thought I was in a very healthy and honest relationship. I had worked really hard to learn to trust someone again, I was happy, in love, and thought I could marry this man. However, 8 months into the relationship I found out that sexual pictures and conversations were taking place behind my back with other women. My ex had left his e mail up and logged in on the computer. When I went to log in to my account, I noticed an e mail in his that was from an ex of his and had very strong sexual language in the title. I opened it up and it was a very sexual picture of her. I then noticed conversation between the two of them that was highly inappropriate for someone to be doing when in a committed relationship.

I confronted my ex on the matter and we discussed it in length. He promised me that it would end and I would not have to worry about it again.. that he loved me and wanted to be with me and no one else.

After this incident.. I was always paranoid about what he might be doing behind my back. I found myself checking his e mail and cell phone regularly . I did not find anything for a couple months, however because I was lied to I don't think I was ever truly able to trust him again. For the remainder of our relationship I would check his stuff every now and then. A few months after the original incident I started to notice other inappropriate conversations in his cell phone. We again discussed everything in length and I stayed with him.. why? I have no idea.. possibly because I felt I had invested so much into the relationship that I didn't want to give up on it now.. or thought that just maybe he did love me enough to stop betraying me behind my back.

I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned that I do not want to be that paranoid person. It is a sickness to constantly mistrust your partner. I know that I deserve someone who wouldn't do those things in the first place, hence making there no need to check up on them all of the time. I stayed with my ex far longer than I should have. One incident should have been enough to make me walk away. But everyone handles situations differently.. and all you can do is learn from your mistakes.

Is it right to do this? No, but it happens. Men and women both do it.. we aren't perfect and we get to a place in our relationships where we have doubt and need confirmation that it's going to last. And hate to say it, but most of the time your GUT feeling leads you in the right direction.. following it is not always bad.

In my opinion... if your significant other isn't doing anything behind your back, they should not be very upset about you going through their stuff, that said, there should be a level of respect for each other's privacy. If you go through their phone or e mail and don't find anything inappropriate then there should be no reason for you to do so again in the future; unless they allow you to with their permission. If you in fact find something inappropriate, at that point it is up to you to discuss it with your significant other and decide whether you can stay with them and learn to trust them again or not.

This is a touchy subject that everyone handles differently, however I think all of us have done it (or will). I have talked to several friends about this topic and even the couples who are the most open, honest, happiest, and in love have found themselves at one point or another checking their significant other's phone or e mail. Is it sad that we feel the need to do this for validation? Yes. But I think it is something that we just naturally do. Everyone has doubt, whether there is something that caused it or not.

In the end I feel as though if you cannot fully commit yourself to one person, you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. If you ever have to question whether something you are doing in your personal conversations with others would be inappropriate or upset your significant other, you probably shouldn't be doing those things in the first place.

A friend once told me "If it's not something that can be done or said in front of your significant other.. then you shouldn't be doing it" - I think that's a good rule of thumb to follow.

Relationships are supposed to be about trust... honesty... respect... love... not deceit and lies. Being faithful is a great quality in a person and if you've found that in someone you are blessed.

The One Who Got Away...

So, more often then not.. I always tend to be "the one that got away"... or the one that the guy realizes, after he's lost me, that he actually wants me back. There have been a few times where I've given the guy another chance, but recently feel like I shouldn't waste my time on someone who can't see what a great catch I am when they have me.  

I understand that sometimes it takes one leaving for the person to realize what they really had.. but honestly.. if it gets to that point it might just be too late.  I am fed up with boys that cannot see what they have until they have lost it.  If you really like someone, enjoy their company, and see a potential future why would you push them away? And why would you let them walk out of your life so easily? 

I know that some relationships just weren't meant to be and that it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not a great catch.. just means that I wasn't right for that person. However, time and time again I have guys wanting me back after they've had plenty of opportunities to prove to me why I should stay with them. At some point you have just had enough.. and no matter how much you may have liked that person it's just not worth giving them another chance.. and moving on is sometimes hard, but I would like to think that it's for the best.

I'm sure there may be many more times where I will be "the one that got away" but I look forward to the ONE time that I'm the one they know they never want to lose.

Feeling Used....

I wrote this poem a long time ago... however it is circling back to me at this time in my life.  I don't understand men sometimes.. and I feel incredibly used by several of them over the last few months..I am sick of liars.. I am sick of games.. I am sick of dishonesty.. and I'm sick of being a conquest... I am not a conquest.. I am the grand prize and deserve to find someone that will treat me as such.

So I feel it fitting to post this poem on my blog:

USED

Why do you use me

It just isn't fair

You're off kissing girls

whenever I'm not there

You think it's a game

and have all the fun

but I'm the one trapped

when I should be on the run

You never call me anymore

you used to every day

what am I supposed to think

when it goes on day after day

I try to ignore it

and hide all my pain

but you wouldn't care anyway

It's just part of your game

I thought you cared

but I guess I was wrong

I thought I could deal with it

But I'm just not that strong

I'm sick of hearing

How much you like me

when it doesn't mean a thing

because I'm just another girl

you have waiting in the wing

I wish you'd just confess

but it's obviously not your style

how do you ever expect

to be walking down that isle

Us girls aren't stupid you know

we eventually figure it out

it just takes a while

to see what you're about

I'm sick of the games

I'm sick of this pain

if I let it go any longer

it may drive me insane

Even though you used me

and I fell right into the trap

I can't seem to let you go

My heart says I still want you

while my head just says confused

I hate knowing that I have been used

I wish I could just forget

about the thing we had

but I know if I did

I'd just feel so bad

I want so much for you to say

that you've learned from this

and to change your ways

But deep down I know

that this will never be

because it's only obvious

we weren't meant to be

So now it's time for me to say

that this game is over

no matter how

you try to explain

all of your fun

will never be and isn't worth this pain

Michelle Howell 2001

So You Say You're "Jaded"...

By definition Jaded means to be: Cynical (see below) or Fatigued (worn out)

Cynical:
1. like or characteristic of a cynic; distrusting or disparaging the motives of others.
2. showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty or morality by one's actions, esp. by actions that exploit the scruples of others.
3. bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.

I put this on here because I think it is the easiest way to see what being "Jaded" really means. Yes, I understand that "jaded" probably has a different meaning to everyone, however ultimately these are the driving forces causing us to act/feel jaded. (specifically in regards to dating)

Now, I will be the first to say that I have been guilty of this... however.. I do my best to not let it affect my dating life now.  Here's why...

It is not fair to go on a date automatically cutting the guy/girl down by distrust, bitterness, and actions that ex boyfriends or people in your past have caused.  This new person did not do those things to you.. so why should they automatically be judged? Why should they automatically "lose points" because you feel as though you are currently "jaded"? If you go into the date with these feelings you are not giving the other person a chance from the get go.. so why are you even on the date?

If a person continues to act jaded.. their dating life is going to seem to always suck, and they are constantly going to be disappointed because they have already set a standard for the people they are dating. I understand that what happens to you in your past relationships affects your current ones, however.. it shouldn't be worn on your sleeve.. and being "jaded" is not something you should say to someone you're on a date with- it's a HUGE turn off.  Who wants to date someone that admits they are jaded?  

If you can't go into a dating situation with optimism, then it would seem as though you are wasting your and the other persons' time.  If you aren't willing to put your past behind you.. learn from it.. and move on- then you shouldn't start dating again until you are able to. If you can't give a new potential man/woman the full attention, time, and trust it takes to date then you shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

As I said, I'm as guilty as any of being jaded in my past... you get to the point where you want to give up on dating because "they are all the same" "all the nice ones are taken" "people can't be trusted" "they just want a piece of ass" etc. However, I've also come to realize that I cannot go on living my life this way if I -at some point-  intend to find the man I want to marry and grow old with. I also know that I cannot be content with thinking that all men are this way, if there is no optimism I will never find a guy because I will always be tearing him down from the beginning.. this is NOT healthy.

I also know that the way I have been treated in the past.. is not acceptable.. knowing that, I know now what I deserve.. so why waste emotions on being jaded, when you can just grow from everything in your past and look forward to those you meet in your future?

Give everyone a clean slate and honest chance. It is the only way you open the door to finding someone that is going to make you happy. So to those of you that say you are jaded.. or are told that you are jaded.. it is something that you personally control.. if you choose to be jaded then you will find dating miserable.. if you choose to be optimistic and open your heart (even though you've been hurt in the past) you will eventually see that all men/women are NOT the same.. and that there are people out there capable of treating you well.

I understand that we all have our "check list" but don't go into every date thinking he/she is just like the rest - open your chances by opening your heart. Everyone doesn't have bad motives when it comes to dating.. get rid of the assumptions you've set by being "jaded." Dating is supposed to be fun...

Why I write this blog.... some clarification

Let me start off by saying I am not a man hater... it may appear as such from first glance.. however, that is not why I write this blog.  I write this blog because.. frankly.. I can't believe that men think it's okay to treat women the way that I personally have experienced.  I do not write about my experiences until they are over, or I know I will not see that person again.

I am not the type to air my relationships while I'm in them- that is private and should not be broadcast to the world.. however.. when the relationship or date etc.. is no longer, I may choose to write about it.. keeping all people confidential. 

My hope is that as people read my blog... at some point or another they will relate.. and maybe.. just maybe.. I will prevent other women from going through the same mistakes I have been through.. and help some men realize how women deserve to be treated.

This is by no means a place for me to bitch or bash on anyone... It is real life experiences and advice.. and I have every right to write about them... same as all my readers have every right to comment and speak their mind in regard to what I write. If you have a problem with it.. then don't read it.. it's that simple.

Just like everyone else.. I am a single adult looking for that special someone.. ya I've been through some crazy shit.. but I have not given up.. I still have faith in relationships.. in love...and I know I will find it some day. Until then I hope you will continue to read about my crazy adventures.

Summer Lover.. (or lack there of)

It has taken me a while to write about this one (we met in June).. well, quite honestly, because I was stupid enough to think someone would prove me (and my friends) wrong and held onto something that wasn't even there in the first place.

For the first time since my ex (we broke up Dec. 2009), I found myself genuinely liking (falling for) a guy.  He was extremely handsome, dressed well, funny/Witty, charming, we had a lot in common... my friends all liked him and obviously so did I.

We spent some time together around 4th of July and things went great. We enjoyed watching fireworks together, going to a baseball game, etc.  There was one thing though during this weekend that really annoyed me. The fact that he was on his phone during our date (see "Phone Etiquette" post). Honestly... I should have taken that as a huge red flag from the beginning but I let my "butterfly" feelings get the best of me.. and gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't read into it too much.

So after this great weekend.. finding time to spend w/ this guy was easy for me.. that's what you do when you like someone.. right? However, it was a VERY complicated task for him. I do have to say.. he does have some obligations that I would never make him feel bad about not having time.. his job.. and his son. That aside.. even when those were not obstacles.. it was ALWAYS something.. some reason why he couldn't hang out. He would text me pretty regularly.. however always go M.I.A mid conversation and have some excuse as to why.  Frankly I got tired of this really quickly...

We saw each other after almost a month.. hung out and had a good time.. and then.. the pattern repeated itself.. he had no time! It was always "I will try harder" "I'm sorry I'm messing up" "It won't happen again"... the same thing over and over as to why he couldn't see me. Yet.. it never changed.. he never tried harder.. and it did happen again...

**THIS is one of my biggest dating pet peeves! If you like someone.. you make time for them - PERIOD! I don't care what you have going on in your life.. if that person is important to you.. and you want to continue to see them.. you will make sure to include them in your plans. Right?

Yet, I STILL kept giving him a chance.. why? Hell if I know.. I tell myself time and time again that I will not put up with this from a man.. that I deserve better.. that I deserve someone who makes time for me.. that I don't deserve to go through this pattern of excuse after excuse.

Another month goes by and I'm still allowing myself to be strung along.. and then the confusion just begins again when he invites me to his birthday celebration at the club. I asked him if it meant I would be his date.. his response "I just want to go to the bar and have fun with my friends" So I said.. okay I get that.. but if I show up and kiss you or something is it going to cause drama.. he said "no." So naturally since this is the first guy I genuinely fell for since my ex.. I go.. ignoring all the signs that happened over the last few months.. and show up to his birthday celebration.. Where he continues to introduce me as "his girl" (yet, I thought I wasn't even his date)- hence you see why the confusion began again? We have a great night celebrating, drinking, dancing etc... we see each other twice over the next several weeks.. but it was me coming up to his place late at night to sleep- and yes.. we just slept.. (although he tried for more- both times) - this making me feel like all he wanted at this point was the sex...

Sigh.. This is where I learn my lesson to hold out on the goods. (although the sex was AMAZING)  I let my emotions get the best of me and fell for this guy too quickly.. very quickly... and he got what he wanted early on.. so what need was there for more than that from me going forward.. was I just his booty call? Shit...I don't know if I was or not.. but that's how it started to make me feel..

Why did I allow myself to go down this stupid path yet again.. time and time I KNOW that I shouldn't put up with that bullshit.. yet I fell right into the trap!

The door closed when he didnt' make it to any of my birthday celebration in October. The first weekend he had his son (but not overnight).. and could have attended. The second weekend.. well let's just say he made the choice not to show up.. and he made the choice to not have me a part of his plans that weekend either. I'M DONE! (There is a lot more detail I could include regarding this.. examples of things he chose to go to under the same circumstances etc.. but I'm not going to get into it because I feel that it would personalize this blog post too much) Just know that at this point I was sick of him making excuses to me.. but making time for other things/people.

Sad that it took me this long to move on.. I obviously know better than to be strung along by someone like this.. but WHY in the hell did I still allow it? Why is it that we KNOW not to allow ourselves to go through this and be treated this way.. yet we still put up with it?  Am I going to be strong enough to kibosh this bullshit in the future before it strings me along this far? God.. I hope so... Because this nonsense of getting let down time and time again by someone you like is a vicious cycle that I don't want to keep going through.

I know that this person will probably read this.. and that is fine.. I do want everyone to know that I think deep down - he is a good guy.. I just think he's at a very confusing place in his life and wants to pick cherries from too many trees.. and unfortunately I met him during this time. When he decides he wants to find a steady woman in his life again.. I'm sure he will make that girl very happy. But, he has let something amazing slip through his fingers...

Don't be a "Creepers" Conquest...

Time and time again ladies find themselves fending off a "creeper." Well.. What exactly IS a creeper? I think it's slightly different for everyone.. but it all comes down to one simple thing: Someone who makes us feel so incredibly uncomfortable and awkward that we freeze up and don't know how to handle the situation that is taking place. Whether they approach us, or it is from a distance,.. it doesn't change the fact that we are extremely uncomfortable!

There are some guys that are just simply socially awkward.. but that doesn't make them a "creeper" - they just aren't as skilled in social situations as the rest of us.  These guys typically approach women and get the "oh that's so nice of you... (and then the girl walks away)" reaction.. but are not labeled a "creeper." These type are the ones that girls feel bad for.. there is a difference; this type of guy doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.. he's just simple not your type.

Now the creeper on the other hand.. makes your skin crawl; whether they approach you or not.  He could be that guy in the gym that's always watching you work out, but never talks to you... the guy at the bar that watches you all night and never approaches you.. or he does and tries to be "rico suave" and you want to vomit. He could be the guy in the grocery store that follows you around the isles and tries to strike up conversation because you are buying the same item, or the guy that somehow gets your number and will NEVER leave you alone.. even if you continue to ignore him, block him etc..  he still finds a way to contact you... THAT is a creeper!

Now.. to the tricky part... can you avoid the "creeper"??... sadly I don't think you can. They are everywhere.. and unfortunately always will be.  There are just some people that DON'T GET IT! You are the CREEPERS CONQUEST and until he approaches you and gets shot down.. he won't leave you alone. (and why is it that the "creepers" always seem to have the most confidence in approaching women?)

If you find yourself in a situation with a creeper.. my best advice is to let them know they are making you uncomfortable.  I think too often women are afraid to approach the "creeper"- therefor leaving this poor guy with the notion that what he is doing is OK or NORMAL.  If no one tells them what they are doing is wrong.. how are they going to learn? Letting a creeper know that they are making you uncomfortable will usually result in them backing off.. and hopefully make them re-think their actions.  Believe it or not.. I honestly don't think MOST of these men know their actions are giving off the "creeper" vibe.. so in order to have less creepers around us.. we need to SPEAK UP. 

If actually approached by a creeper, the best advice I have is to quickly let them know that you aren't interested and if they persist use the tactic mentioned above. Letting a guy know you aren't interested or that they make you uncomfortable is an ego killer.. most will walk away and feel embarrassed (sad yes..) however, no need to waste either person's time by pretending to be nice. If they continue to persist ALWAYS have a fake name and phone# memorized... give it to them and walk away. -Never give out your real contact information to someone that weirds you out enough to get labeled a "creeper" - he doesn't deserve to know your real info.

I really think it comes down to us ladies speaking up and being blunt. These guys aren't going to comprehend that what they are doing is giving off the "creeper" vibe unless we tell them so. Will it bruise their ego? YES! - But if it saves another girl from having to go through it.. then we have accomplished something.

It obviously isn't something we can control- Creepers will always exist. But it is something we can try to prevent.. help the guy out.. SPEAK UP, and move on. 

Please comment if you'd like more advice on this subject. I will do my best to assess your specific situation and give you advice on how to handle it.

Is He The Right Guy For You?

Major Signs To Make Note Of:

• He doesn't remember important details you've mentioned more than once
• He is always "busy" or "never has time" or hits you up last minute
• He can't put his cell phone down- especially while you're out on a date
• Trust your gut!

Instead of wasting your time on men who obviously aren't making time for you.. pay attention to the details/signs from the beginning, so you can determine whether he's worth pursuing.

We often find ourselves telling little details about what's important to US to the men we date, in hopes that maybe.. just maybe they will remember down the road. So that if things were to go well, they'd know what your favorite flower, color, activity, type of food, music etc. actually is.  However, a key sign that "he's just not one" early on.. is that he doesn't pay attention to details. If he is interested in you, he will make mental note to remember the important things.. because he likes you..if you are just "another girl" to him, he's not going to care.

Another sign that "he's not the one," (which I believe is one of the most telling signs), he never seems to have time to spend with you. There's always SOMETHING that comes up, a reason why he didn't call, an EXCUSE for why he can't see you etc. Point blank: if a guy likes you; he will find a way to make time for you- no matter how busy his schedule may be. Don't waste YOUR time on someone who doesn't think twice about making time for you..it just won't go anywhere, you will be disappointed time and time again and you deserve someone who is going to actively seek your company.

"Never make someone a priority, when they only make you an option"- Unknown

Translation: If you aren't both putting in EQUAL effort - it's not going to work out and is a waste of your time. Move on to a guy who will make time for YOU.

The third key sign.. his cell phone is a distraction all of the time. It shows that he is not focused on you and frankly..that he'd probably rather be elsewhere, or with someone else. It's rude for someone to be on their phone constantly while on a date. If a guy is interested, he will have enough respect to keep cell phone use minimal or even better, not get on it at all while he is with you. If a guy cannot give you his full attention while on a date - he's probably not the one.

And lastly- Trust your gut! They don't call it "women's intuition" for nothing. It does serve a valid purpose and when it's warning you that something doesn't seem right.. it's usually for a reason. Don't be so quick to toss that gut feeling aside. Try to see the big picture as to why your gut may be warning you.. and really think about the situation to make a decision as to whether or not you should continue seeing the guy.

Ladies- just be smart. If you wouldn't allow your girl-friends to be treated by a guy like you are being treated.. STOP dating guys that don't deserve you. There are a ton of simple signs that you can catch early on to save yourself from being hurt and wasting your time on someone who isn't right for you.

Keep A Girls Attention by Avoiding These First Date Conversation DON'Ts..

Major No No's include:

• Talking about your exes
• Telling bland/uninteresting stories
• Talking about sports, cars, details of your job
• Talking about sex (on the first date) can be risky - Don't get ahead of yourself

Guys.. bring something more to the table on a first date than the usual boring details about your job, exes, sports teams, cars and your beloved pet.

It should be common knowledge by now that you aren't supposed to talk about your exes on a date with a new woman, however time and time again I notice this conversation happening and I always wonder why men  think it's a good idea. You are digging yourself a hole by bringing past relationships up this quick- save it for a few weeks down the road if you are still seeing your date.

Keep us entertained! If you are going to tell us about a "funny story" or something you "found interesting"...please do us a favor of making sure that what you are going to tell us.. is in-fact funny or interesting. There is nothing more that I hate while on a date than a boring/dull conversation. Your mom might care about your day to day details/stories.. but we don't want to be bored by them. If you are the type of guy that struggles with what to say there are TONS of sites that have suggested conversation starters. (Like this one)

Are some of the questions random? YES.. but that is the point..it will show your creativity and help keep us interested in talking with you.

Let's be honest.. us women could really care less about the boring details of your job, cars, sports, and your pets (on a first date) - so please put a little more thought into what you say.. this has become a routine first date conversation that bores us to tears!

And lastly.. unless we lead you toward the "sex" talk on a first date.. don't bring anything sex related up. It's a huge turn off when a guy jumps straight to the sex related questions - and at times can be very offensive. Have more respect for the girl you are on a date with. There are plenty of other things to discuss without making the date awkward.

What are some topics of conversation that have completely backfired on you? What are some that have worked well? 

The 5 Min. Rule...

I came across this article  5 min rule  the other day and fell in love with the idea. I only WISH that this could be implemented across the country, however.. I think that there are too many people out there who LOVE to play games and are excited by the "chase" and the "ego boost" they get from being wanted by another- even when in a committed relationship.


I would personally prefer to know if a guy is taken within 5 minutes of approaching me and making converation. Not only for my own piece of mind.. but for theirs and their significant others'. It should be common sense when in a relationship that there are boundaries that you DO NOT cross. It's one thing to find someone attractive and approach them, casually flirt, and walk away.. it's another to have a full on conversation (and sometimes even exchanging numbers) without even letting them know you aren't SINGLE.


I have always believed in this rule: When you are out without your significant other.. You shouldn't be doing or saying anything with others that you couldn't do/say in the presence of your partner.  It's a rule I stand by and wish more people would.


What are your thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Are there exceptions?

Tick Tock....

This post is all about making TIME.

A concept that I would like to think is simple to grasp but I am learning it is harder for some people. Specifically MEN.

Why is it so damn hard for a guy to plan ahead.. or am I just meeting guys that don't care enough about me to do so? Is it really hard to say "Hey, it would be nice to see you this week when are you available.." - and actually plan a night? Apparently it is too hard for most men.  They would rather wait until the absolute last minute to extend an invite for you to come hang out.  Not only does it make me feel like I was your LAST option.. but I probably already have plans, have chosen to stay home, or don't have what I'd need to make said "hanging out" work.

Especially for me.. I work downtown, but live 45 min away.  Most of the things men want to do involve being downtown, or they live downtown.. or even worse.. they live the complete opposite direction from downtown 30-45 min... If I don't have plans after work I usually go home.. and by the time I go home.. it irritates me to all hell to get a call or text asking to "hang out" at 8pm or later at night.  Especially when I've told these people to give me more notice.

I understand that men don't like to make plans.. that they run off the seat of their pants and do things on a "whim"..however, I would think if you REALLY liked a girl as you are trying to say you do- that you would make more effort to plan time with her.. especially if she's told you that she needs more notice.

Am I being too naive and continuing to date men like this? At what point do you just throw in the towel at the ridiculousness that is occurring and move on? How many chances do you give someone until you just say ENOUGH! I'm seriously at a loss... I know that I should not waste time on someone who doesn't make time for me.. but this seems to be a consistent battle with ALL of the men I've been meeting.  What is the deal? Are there men that exist that are willing to put in the time and effort it takes to pursue a woman? Am I expecting too much? 

I am a busy woman.. and I still find TIME for the things and people that are important to me... so I don't care how "busy" someone is... It is simple.. you make time for what is important to YOU... and I'm starting to realize that even though people may say you are important to them, that you really mean a lot to them, or that they really like you... Actions begin to speak louder than words... everyone is busy.. everyone has a lot on their plate.. but we ALL make TIME for what is important in our lives...and yes there are certain things in people's lives that I would never hold against them for taking time towards.. such as a Job, Family, & Kids- However, if you are going to say you are interested in me.. make TIME for me or someone else will.

Please post your thoughts, advice etc.. always glad to hear it :)

Phone Etiquette While on a date...

Between your friends, social networks, and apps; it seems almost impossible for people to NOT get on their phones these days. (we are all guilty of it) All of this is completely normal when you are by yourself or with friends, but what is the proper etiquette now-a-days for when you are on a date?

Is it supposed to be accepted that someone will be texting, social networking, etc. regularly throughout the date.. or is it still common knowledge that it is somewhat rude to be doing that? I mean.. when it happens to me- it makes me feel as though that person would rather be elsewhere, that their time could be better spent with other people, or god forbid they "just aren't that into me." Should the focus not be on each other? I mean I get that there may be more "appropriate" times to check your phone while on a date (when one of you go to the bathroom) however, doing it often in front of the person is a bit rude- is it not?

I am a very social person... and I do LOVE LOVE LOVE to check my Facebook, Twitter, etc. But when I am on a date I am pretty respectful about not being on my phone because I am there to get to know the person I'm on a date with.  If you are texting regularly (or appear to be) it just seems a bit shady and disrespectful to the person you are with. Friends will still be there in a few hours, Facebook and Twitter are not going anywhere and the people "following" you will not hate you if you don't update them every 10 minutes.

Also- does good phone etiquette only apply for the first date? All dates? At what point is it ok? Or isn't it at all?

*I don't really care about this as much if you are out together with a group of other people... it's bound to happen that everyone will be off and on their phones throughout the evening.. but mostly wondering what the rule is these days when on a date with just you and that person....

Please share your thoughts.. I'm interested to see what your opinion is on this.

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile.- Someday I will know what this means :)

I found this quote/passage by Bob Marley and fell in love with it.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."


— Bob Marley
 
If you have already found this in someone may you continue to have this special connection for many years to come. If you have yet to find it; I know one day you will.  Keep your heart open and know that love takes risk.

Part Time Lover

At some point or another I'm sure most of us have been in this situation.. where there is this person.. that you have had a connection with for some time.  And not just a 'we're great friends' connection.. something more than that.. something unique and special, however you never seem to get the chance to see where the relationship would go beyond the 'friend' level.

Somehow you always end up being the 'in between' person, or what I like to call, the Part Time Lover.  Let me explain exactly what I mean...  you know that you and this particular person have chemistry- emotionally, physically, mentally and so many other ways that sometimes you just can't even explain it.  This person is usually your 'what if?' As in.. even when you are involved in other relationships.. you still think 'what would happen if we were dating?' 

However, when the opportunity presents itself.. and you are both single (you may finally get the chance to try things out and see where it may go) they don't want to date you, but they want to be intimate with you because you connect so well.  They utilize you as their part time lover. They have no intention of ever really wanting to date you.. but you are the person that they use as their 'comfort blanket' when they aren't seriously dating someone else.

Some people would compare this to a booty call- someone to hook up with until you find your next boyfriend/girlfriend- however, it is a bit more than a booty call. For instance.. when you have that great of a connection and those feelings for someone.. you cannot just detach yourself from those feelings and just casually hook up. (or at least I can't)

It gets to the point where you finally just have to accept the fact that nothing more will every happen between the two of you... that you will always be viewed as their part time lover and never as someone they would be in a relationship with, because time and time again you watch them date others and then run to you when they aren't in a relationship. 

I am not going to be someones comfort blanket... it is much too complicated to have casual sex with someone that you have feelings for.. and a bit hurtful when that person claims to have the same feelings for you- but can so easily detach themselves from those feelings.

It is crazy though, how long we allow ourselves to be in wonderment over someone like this.. until one day you can overcome it and realize you deserve more... you deserve someone who is willing to take the time to see where things may go. I mean after all, if they think you are that great of a person.. and connect to you so well- why wouldn't they be willing to take that leap?

Being someones part time lover is very one-sided.. they reap all the benefit of the intimacy and then get to toss you aside when they find someone they really want to date.  Don't let yourself fall into this cycle.  It's not worth it and in the end you could have been putting all of that energy toward other things. That is not to say that you cannot remove yourself from the feelings (once you accept that nothing will ever come between the two of you) and remain friends with this person. But be wise... and know that it is okay to let go and not have to wonder 'what if?' anymore. 

Goodbye Losers.. I don't need you anymore

So, I have had a revelation that I've been on a pretty bad string of luck when it comes to men and dating. (as you guys can see)

A key factor in this (I believe) is where I am meeting some of these "men" - at the BAR.

I am making a pact to myself... No longer will I be giving my number out to any man I meet at the bar.. and no longer will I be getting any of their numbers.

I figure.. if a guy is REALLY interested in more than a "good time" or "one-night" rendezvous then they will be smart enough to figure out a way to track down my information. PERIOD

I really am interested in finding men of higher caliber, who have CAREERS - not jobs, and who have GOALS for their future.. that will actually take them somewhere in life.

I will not settle for anything less... after-all.. after what I've been through over the last 10 years.. I damn well deserve an AMAZING man who is going to treat me the way I deserve.

I will obviously still continue to blog about my adventures- so don't you worry... there will still be lots of stories to come!

Mr. Playoff Pimp

Mr. Playoff Pimp... Good looking guy, Not gorgeous.. but good looking meets me at the bar 3 weeks ago.

He manages to get me to give him my number and offers to take me to a Jazz Playoff game against Denver. I was super excited because I've never been to a playoff game.

So we are talking back and forth getting to know each other a little bit.. the night comes for the game.
I confirm with him that we are going, shower, get ready and wait for him to let me know where were are supposed to meet up to go to the game.

Time passes... he finally says something along the lines of  "we may have a little problem, I hope you won't be upset" - so I ask him what is going on and he proceeds to tell me that the friends of his that were flying in to go to the game thought he had 6 tickets when he only has 4, and that he needed to give them the tickets that he and I were going to use.

It wasn't a big deal to me at the time because I had originally planned to go watch the game at a friends' house. So I drove to the friend's house and watched the game..

Mean while he is texting me saying that "I will make it up to you" "we will go to the next playoff game"

So, during the week that Jazz were away playing in Denver we hung out things went pretty well, he seems like an okay guy... brags about his "money" "cars" and "connections" a lot during this time (which by the way does not flatter me in the slightest)- when guys brag about that stuff it usually means they are used to getting girls simply by what they "have"- not based off of who they are. So I was a little hesitant to continue things but he did promise we would go to the next home game. (Said several times that "this will not happen again)

Time comes for the next playoff game and I am super excited. I confirm with him that we are going around 4pm. He says we will be meeting up around 7:30 so I rush home from work, get ready, and have some time to spare so I headed to the mall until 7:30

7:45 rolls around and I get a text from him saying "I am soooo annoyed"
I in turn ask him why he is annoyed and he says "I am supposed to pick up these people from the airport and take them to the game but their flight is late"
I said "what time was their flight supposed to be there?"
He says "7:00"

* First of all Mr. Playoff Pimp.. why on earth would you think that you could be picking up people from the airport at 7pm when you had plans to meet me at 7:30pm in the first place??

So I ask him how much longer he thinks he will be.. he said he would let me know when they were in the car.
I told him that I guess I would go get dinner then and hopefully he would be done around halftime so we could get to the 2nd half of the game.

I go eat dinner at Zuppas- (was delicious) and then I was going to go to Skybox to watch the game but I was so pissed that I was waiting around and not AT the game that I didn't even feel like watching it. By this time it is 9:00.
I text him to find out what his status is.. he said "I am still downtown- I just dropped them off and now I have to hurry home and get ready"

*Um.. why the HELL are you not already ready? seriously.. you DID plan a date tonight...

I said "so like a half hour?"
He said "no I I'm not even dressed!"

*again- why?

9:50 rolls around and I ask him "how much longer"
He says "20 min"

This makes me FURIOUS!

I told him "by the time you get ready the game will be over, guess this was a waste of my night - I think I will just go home"

He then proceeds to get upset with me and says "Oh so what is more important the GAME or ME? - We can still go hang out!"

(I hope someone enjoyed our "3rd ROW SEATS"- that he was claiming to have tickets for- cause I am pretty sure there would be no EMPTY seats on the 3rd row of a very crucial Playoff game)

*First of all Mr. Playoff Pimp- I WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU! So why on earth would I still want to go hang out after you stood me up?

Mr. Playoff Pimp text me for the first time since that night -Yesterday - Almost one week after the incident.
Telling me how SORRY he was.. that he APOLOGIZES... that he wants to MAKE IT UP TO ME...

Look dude- First time I gave you the benefit of the doubt that things weren't going to work out.  Then you sit there and "promise" that it will not happen again and that we will go to the next game. Then the time comes for you to PROVE that it won't happen again and you FAIL big time.

Why on earth would I want to see if it will happen a THIRD time.. ???

Men are used to women that they can walk ALL OVER- like door mats.. well let me tell you fellas..
I am NO LONGER one of those women.  I am stronger and more confident than I ever used to be.. and I DON'T deserve to be stood up by any man.

Mr. Playoff Pimp...You are Lucky I gave you a second chance.. I find it funny that you think you deserve a third....